August 21st, 2017 I decided to take another pregnancy test and it was positive! I had never been so grateful and emotional in my life. I instantly fell to my knees and thanked Heavenly Father for giving me another precious soul to love, nurture and hold.

 

My pregnancy was just like the last, nausea, tiredness, cravings, weird pains, but everything was normal. As each day went by I grew more and more excited, I even went to my son's grave and told him. It was very hard to keep this excitement from my family so I ended up just telling them and they were beyond excited, just as we were. However, my fear of losing my baby again stuck with me and I couldn't shake it. I always searched through google for my possible diagnosis or terrible things that could happen to me and my pregnancy. Of course many possibilities came up like still birth, pre-mature, miscarriage and of course ectopic pregnancy. On the surface these things scared me but deep down I knew that it could never happen to me, I thought wrong.

 

I was around eight weeks when I went in for my first scan to finally see my little nugget. My husband and I sat anxiously in the waiting room for our OB to come in and do some very uncomfortable things (all the pregnant woman out there know what I'm talking about!) I said a prayer for comfort and strength if anything were to go wrong. Our OB came in, briefed us a little on what we needed to do for this pregnancy and dove straight into checking for a viable pregnancy. With one look she instantly knew something was wrong. At first I thought she was congratulating us with twins but I thought very wrong. My heart starting pounding and eyes started watering when she told me that I either have a very weird shaped uterus or an ectopic pregnancy. I felt my husbands eyes gaze at me, but I ignored it. The OB continued her scan and we could see a beautiful strong heartbeat, which confused her because the baby was way to far along to be an ectopic pregnancy. She told us that the equipment she had was very outdated and it would be impossible to give us a confirmed answer. In a panic she called Castle hospital and arranged a scan there, we instantly rushed over. 

 

As soon as we arrived we checked in and were taken to radiology. The same process took place and we were able to receive an answer within minutes. My surgeon called and informed me that it was indeed an ectopic pregnancy, and it needed to be removed immediately before it burst and I bleed out and die. I hung up the phone and ran into my husbands arms, it was happening all over again and I didn't know what to do but call our parents. Our parents drove over to the hospital without question while we were rushed down into the pre-op area. Once we arrived, I was immediately placed on an IV and started to prepare for my first surgery ever as well as saying goodbye to my second baby. A few hours had past, doctors and nurses checked up on me, informed me of what was going to happen and what the after effect of the surgery was going to be like. Finally I was told that they were ready for me, but I was definitely not ready for them. I was given a blessing from my father in law and husband. My husband and I cried as if it was the last time we were going to see each other (dramatic right?) but that's exactly how we felt. The anesthesiologist came out and began the drugs, I prayed quietly to myself and saw my husband and parents walk away as I was rolled into the surgery room.

 

The only thing I remember is laughing to a joke that the anesthesiologist had told me and that was it, the rest was blank. Then I woke up in tears for my husband, I had never felt so lonely. However, I was heavily drugged and wasn't sure what I was saying or even thinking. Finally, they allowed my husband to see me and I was totally high on drugs. I started speaking spanish, singing Maori songs from my elementary school and doing the pukana for the nurses. Overall it was pretty embarrassing, but that didn't last very long. As soon as the drugs wore off the pain hit, physically, mentally and emotionally. My surgeon came in and showed me pictures of everything, informing me that it was the biggest ectopic pregnancy she had ever seen in her career. She then told me that she had to remove my entire left tube as it was almost bigger than my uterus, which wasn't good at all. I couldn't believe it, I lost my baby and my tube. It was a lot to take in, in a short time. The next day I was discharged and the pain was unbearable, the drive home felt like forever and my heart was so broken. I thought how could something like this happen to me again? How could God take another child away from me and narrow my chances of having children even more? My hope slowly turned into fear, resentment and anger. 

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The recovery took so long and I continue to feel pain physically and emotionally as I have scars to constantly remind me of the event. When I had the strength I went to my son's grave and cried for him. I cried for his love, his strength, his presence. I poured my heart out to my son, wishing I had the opportunity to meet my beautiful second baby just as I got to meet him. 

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Occasionally I ask myself "Why me?" "Why this trial?" and realize that I should be asking "Why not me?" From the wise words of the beautiful Taiana Brown she prayed for a trial and received one that sadly took her life. But her story inspired me to take a step back, look at my life and count my many blessings. I have been blessed with so much but chose to focus on the negative. After many weeks of mourning and crying I decided to wake up one morning and count my blessings. I decided that morning I was going to focus on the positive in my life, the miracles in my life, my husband, my family, my friends, my education, my home, my religion and my loving Heavenly Father. 

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Everyday is a constant battle, fighting negative thoughts and depression but it is POSSIBLE to get through and push forward. These negative thoughts and depression can eventually turn into happiness, joy and positivity if we push forward. Count the many blessing you have and be grateful for them. I try hard everyday to remember my purpose and I try hard to remember that I have people who love and care for me. It is possible and you are capable. Be strong, be beautiful and be YOU.