April 19th 2017, I was just getting up from one of my normal nanny naps and started preparing for class. My husband just got home from doing a massive costco run, which was unusual because usually he would be at work. Anyway, I was getting dressed when I got killer pains in my lower back, I wasn't sure what they were but assumed I was just having normal pregnancy cramps. I continued to get changed and it became more excruciating, thinking I was constipated I tried to go to the bathroom but that made it worse. Eventually, my husband convinced me to go to the hospital, which was just down the road. Kahuku hospital was a treat. As we arrived we checked in and the doctor asked me to pee, which I couldn't do because it was already so painful ,but I did anyway. They sat me down and explained that everything was okay it's most likely just a really bad UTI and that I was definitely not in labor. My heart slowed down a bit after hearing those words but each time a wave of pain came I knew something was happening. The doctor called my OB and he said that everything was fine and that I should just go home and rest, but I refused to. A couple of minutes later they asked me if they could get another sample of my urine and I anxiously agreed as I was eager to know what was wrong. As I stood up blood was everywhere on the sheets, my husband instantly grabbed me in his arms and I cried. I didn't know what was happening but I did know that it wasn't good. The nurses and doctors finally realized that this was a little more serious and asked us to rush to Kapiolani Hospital, yet still reassuring us that were not in labour. Now the drive, oh boy the drive was horrible. There were bumps and holes all in the streets while my pain started to get worse and worse. I kept getting a feeling that I was in labor but told myself no your not the doctors said your fine.

 

After a long and painful drive we arrived at the hospital and they took me right in. We checked in and the ladies were so lovely, making conversation and connections with our family and friends and all in one hit my pain went from one to a hundred. They rushed me into the room, took my vitals and some blood samples as well as a smear test to see what was happening. My new OB came in and told me that I was in pre-term labor, I was already 2cm dilated and he could see my water bag. My heart sunk to the ground, I looked at my husband and tried to be strong for the both of us. He looked at me and whispered in my ear that everything was going to be alright, and I trusted and believed him. Immediately I was put on an IV and a heart monitor was placed on my son. We called our parents to let them know what was happening. My husbands parents immediately jumped into the car and my parents on a plane from New Zealand.

 

Everything was a blur, doctors were coming in and out, nurses changed my IV and so much information about what was going to happen flooded my mind. My contractions continued as the doctor came in and explained that I was probably going to give birth within the next 24 hours or if i'm lucky I will stop having contractions and everything will carry on normally. I really wish that was the case. We switched rooms, the family came by we talked and laughed and my contractions began to settle.

 

Throughout the night they monitored my contractions and informed me that it looked like they were slowing down, which was really good. I couldn't sleep all night because I was so scared with what was going to happen. My husband gave me a blessing and I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking him to please watch over my son and to bless me with the strength I needed to get me through whatever the outcome. Later in the night, a doctor came in and said that they were going to stitch my cervix the next morning to prolong my pregnancy and hopefully stop the labor, I happily agreed and continued to get my rest for the next day. Early the next morning we were taken to get an ultrasound to check that baby was okay and he was. He was beautiful, active and healthy. I lay there watching my son kick and play in my tummy. Little did I know that it would be the last time. Thirty minutes into the scan my contractions started again and they were coming more stronger, shorter and faster than ever before. Before I knew it, I was telling my husband that I was ready to push.The nurses rushed me back into our delivery room and I told them that I wanted to have a natural birth and they kindly supported me. My mother in law was there holding my hand while my mum in New Zealand watched me through skype. I grabbed my husbands hand tight and pulled him close to me. I whispered in his ear that I didn't want to push, I didn't want to push our perfectly healthy baby out because of something that was happening to my own body. He kindly whispered back and said "Everything is going to be alright, you can do this and I love you." I looked at my mum and she said to just breath. Before I started to push I told my husband that our son's name was going to be Sol, which means sun in spanish. He smiled and said "I love that." My doctor told me to push and I did, three pushes and my son entered this world.

 

Sol Reginald Kaka weighing almost one pound and length at one foot was finally here. I cried into my husbands arms knowing that my son wasn't going to make it. The previous day the doctor had told me that because my son is so little they wouldn't be able to resuscitate him. I knew that this was it. My beautiful son Sol came into my arms taking his final breaths of life. My son came down to enter into a body and return back to our Heavenly Father in such peace. I thought wow how lucky am I to meet my son so early and send him back to our Heavenly Father. I looked up at my husband and he gave me warmth with his gentle smile as he slowly kissed our son on the head. After a few minutes we washed and bathed our son, did some hand and feet prints and introduced him into the family. We could see his heart beat and his struggle to take breath every few minutes but I knew that he was safe because he was with us. My dad and brother George Kaka sang beautiful songs so my son could hear the sweet voices of his family. He was so precious and I knew that all the songs he heard brought him comfort.

 

A few hours later we were transferred into a more comfortable room and the nurse told me that she was just going to see how baby was doing. After her examination she had pronounced his time of death 1:17pm. My son had left us and we could feel his spirit leave our presence. I held him close to my heart and kissed him so sweetly and told him that mummy loves you and I will see you again I promise. We had him for the night to hold and to cuddle before we had to leave him for a few days before his funeral. We sang a final song to him and my husband gave him a blessing as we let go of him and sent him back to our Heavenly Father. I felt so empty, as if a part of me was gone. Everyday after that was a struggle and I didn't think I could make it. My heart mourned everyday for my son, wishing I could kiss him one last time.  

 

Looking back at this experience I realized that I never walked alone, every step I took someone was there for me. I know there are many other woman that have experienced this or are going through something similar but I just want to say that you are strong, beautiful and able to get through this. When I sat in that room holding my son I realized that I needed to let go of him and I wasn't sure how I was going to. But I listened to Natalie Norton's story about her letting her son go and she said something that stuck with me and I want to share. She said, "In that moment I felt peace, God made it known to me that it was going to be okay." We are capable of many things but as a mother I was capable of letting my son go. If I am capable of doing that than I am capable of doing anything. I know that each and every one of you mothers and woman currently going through these silent battles are capable. Believe in yourself and know that there is always someone there.